FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
LOS ANGELES, CA - Stakgold & Associates, a leading
purveyor of infomercials and "consolidated marketing
products" will begin to offer a new service starting
in November - Topaz Custom Limousine.
Topaz Custom Limousine (TM) will specialize in
personal transportation to and from the Los Angeles
Airport. "Topaz Custom Limousine offers a unique and
specialized service unmatched by anyone in the
industry," said Stakgold & Associates President,
General Manager and Marketing Genius Alissa Stakgold.
"Anyone can drive in a Lincoln Town Car or Cadillac
Limousine. Only the descriminating passenger chooses
the individuality of the 1986 Mercury Topaz."
Potential customers include celebrities travelling
under cover, heroin addicts and tourists from
Bangladesh and Indonesia because "they don't know any
better."
Stakgold & Associates have previously introduced many
new business ventures including Rogers Custom Jewish
Marketing (TM), Alissa Special Services (ASS) and
Malibu Lady Publishing (FUCKYOU).
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Topaz Custom Limousine
Where's My Pants?
For Immediate Release
(LOS ANGELES) - Alissa Stakgold, president and CEO of the Stakgold Group, formerly Stakgold & Associates, has announced production of the new theatrical presentation.
"Where's My Pants?" opening in April at the L'Chaim Theatre at the B'Nai Brith center of Sherman Oaks, stars Stakgold herself as Tushy LaFinklestein. Stakgold plays a sensual yiddish 29-year-old who gets mixed up with a rabbi, a gang banger, two transvestites and a traveling salami salesman.
"I've had this farshtaist cockamamie idea for years," said Stakgold, who will produce through her Stakgold Entertainment Group. "I'm no Chaim Yakel but I've been dealing with enough nebbishes to know a schmendrick who gives me narishkeit."
Stakgold will also direct and life size posters of her will be distributed through synagogues, yamukkah shops and kosher delis throughout the greater Encino-Sherman Oaks area.
Noted Jew Michael Rogers said he was excited about this once in a lifetime opportunity. "Huh? Oh yeah, sure I'll go. I guess. I probably have to or Alissa will kill me."
"This should be the most wonderful Jewish production of all time, better than Fiddler on the Roof" said Beverly Hills socialite Kingsberry Kotillion. "How was that, Mistress?"
"You should have told everyone I'm a giant radiating beacon of talent and love, god-dammit!" Stakgold said. "Don't make me farbissiner you schlemiel."
(LOS ANGELES) - Alissa Stakgold, president and CEO of the Stakgold Group, formerly Stakgold & Associates, has announced production of the new theatrical presentation.
"Where's My Pants?" opening in April at the L'Chaim Theatre at the B'Nai Brith center of Sherman Oaks, stars Stakgold herself as Tushy LaFinklestein. Stakgold plays a sensual yiddish 29-year-old who gets mixed up with a rabbi, a gang banger, two transvestites and a traveling salami salesman.
"I've had this farshtaist cockamamie idea for years," said Stakgold, who will produce through her Stakgold Entertainment Group. "I'm no Chaim Yakel but I've been dealing with enough nebbishes to know a schmendrick who gives me narishkeit."
Stakgold will also direct and life size posters of her will be distributed through synagogues, yamukkah shops and kosher delis throughout the greater Encino-Sherman Oaks area.
Noted Jew Michael Rogers said he was excited about this once in a lifetime opportunity. "Huh? Oh yeah, sure I'll go. I guess. I probably have to or Alissa will kill me."
"This should be the most wonderful Jewish production of all time, better than Fiddler on the Roof" said Beverly Hills socialite Kingsberry Kotillion. "How was that, Mistress?"
"You should have told everyone I'm a giant radiating beacon of talent and love, god-dammit!" Stakgold said. "Don't make me farbissiner you schlemiel."
Financial Statement for Stavros
(LOS ANGELES) - BusinessWire - May 9, 2006 .
Stavros & Associates, a Los Angeles-based marketing, infomercials and massage rubdown firm, announced their financial statements to local investors today. While the business performed well in traditional markets such as pricey "marketing consulting services" (giving advice to corporate clients via enormous power point slides that are subsequently ridiculed and ignored) and "producer's fees" for infomercials that could be produced by anyone who has ever watched late night TV, other ventures caused the firm to report a loss in fiscal 2005.
"While most of My marketing genius activities turned a handsome profit for Me and My investors," CEO Alissa Stakgold reported, "other riskier adventures not totally approved by Me caused the firm to lose money. However, after deducting costs for My condo and My BMW, I am happy to report that I personally did not lose a single dime."
The Stavros Group's performance-losers included:
- Michael Rogers Musk for Jewish Men. "Just slap it on your bald head or your hairy back and the Hassidic Bee-atches will go insane!"
- Kingsbery Kotillion's Silk Lunch Napkins. "Just whip these suckers out at any fancy lunch and everyone will die with envy."
- Alissa's Spicy Salsa. "Pour some ASS on your lunch ... or dinner ... It's better than delicious!"
- "Negro Please!" condoms. For small endowed men who want to feel larger.
- Dressage for Everyone, a $400 coffee table book of Alissa, Alissa's horse, a 10,000 word description of dressage through the ages, a video of Alissa performing dressage in Ventura, and several audio tapes of Alissa explaining in minute detail what the hell she's doing with dressage every weekend of her life
When asked by angry investors when they would get their money back, Stakgold replied, "I'd love to answer you ... but there's bad cell phone reception here ... I'm about to lose you ... Hello? Are you still there?" Then Stakgold ran out of the building, jumped into her BMW and went to a dressage lesson.
Stavros & Associates, a Los Angeles-based marketing, infomercials and massage rubdown firm, announced their financial statements to local investors today. While the business performed well in traditional markets such as pricey "marketing consulting services" (giving advice to corporate clients via enormous power point slides that are subsequently ridiculed and ignored) and "producer's fees" for infomercials that could be produced by anyone who has ever watched late night TV, other ventures caused the firm to report a loss in fiscal 2005.
"While most of My marketing genius activities turned a handsome profit for Me and My investors," CEO Alissa Stakgold reported, "other riskier adventures not totally approved by Me caused the firm to lose money. However, after deducting costs for My condo and My BMW, I am happy to report that I personally did not lose a single dime."
The Stavros Group's performance-losers included:
- Michael Rogers Musk for Jewish Men. "Just slap it on your bald head or your hairy back and the Hassidic Bee-atches will go insane!"
- Kingsbery Kotillion's Silk Lunch Napkins. "Just whip these suckers out at any fancy lunch and everyone will die with envy."
- Alissa's Spicy Salsa. "Pour some ASS on your lunch ... or dinner ... It's better than delicious!"
- "Negro Please!" condoms. For small endowed men who want to feel larger.
- Dressage for Everyone, a $400 coffee table book of Alissa, Alissa's horse, a 10,000 word description of dressage through the ages, a video of Alissa performing dressage in Ventura, and several audio tapes of Alissa explaining in minute detail what the hell she's doing with dressage every weekend of her life
When asked by angry investors when they would get their money back, Stakgold replied, "I'd love to answer you ... but there's bad cell phone reception here ... I'm about to lose you ... Hello? Are you still there?" Then Stakgold ran out of the building, jumped into her BMW and went to a dressage lesson.
Sensitivity Training
SENSITIVITY TRAINING ORDERED FOR STAKGOLD
LOS ANGELES - NOVEMBER 1, 2006. Alissa Stakgold, president, CEO and head massage therapist for the Stakgold Group for Infomercials and Adult Video Marketing, has agreed to undergo sensitivity training for her frequent violent outbursts.
"As part of my court ordered therapy I am happy to work on these issues," Stakgold read flatly from a prepared release. "My yelling episodes directed toward Michael Rogers the hairy Jew, Robin my lazy office worker, my BMW dealership, everyone at Starbuck's and Coffee Bean which I visit 4 times a day, people who talk too loud on their cell phones in public preventing me from talking loudly on my cell phone in public, and all Conservative Republican Evangelicals, were unfortunate. I apologize. Sort of. But not really."
Stakgold's first meeting will be sponsored by the B'Nai Brith Youth Center, the Jewish Defense League and the Shecky Greene Fan Club. "These hamyuckels are hocking me to chinick and giving me shpillkiss," Stakgold said. "Oy, why do I have to schlep all over this furshlugginer town for this dreck?"
Stakgold angrily denied similar attacks on the African-American and Korean communities claiming "I was misquoted! I was on Ambien and coming back from Cincinnati and ... hold on a second ... I'm a bad cell zone ... Just so you know ... I might be losing you .... so long sucker!!!"
LOS ANGELES - NOVEMBER 1, 2006. Alissa Stakgold, president, CEO and head massage therapist for the Stakgold Group for Infomercials and Adult Video Marketing, has agreed to undergo sensitivity training for her frequent violent outbursts.
"As part of my court ordered therapy I am happy to work on these issues," Stakgold read flatly from a prepared release. "My yelling episodes directed toward Michael Rogers the hairy Jew, Robin my lazy office worker, my BMW dealership, everyone at Starbuck's and Coffee Bean which I visit 4 times a day, people who talk too loud on their cell phones in public preventing me from talking loudly on my cell phone in public, and all Conservative Republican Evangelicals, were unfortunate. I apologize. Sort of. But not really."
Stakgold's first meeting will be sponsored by the B'Nai Brith Youth Center, the Jewish Defense League and the Shecky Greene Fan Club. "These hamyuckels are hocking me to chinick and giving me shpillkiss," Stakgold said. "Oy, why do I have to schlep all over this furshlugginer town for this dreck?"
Stakgold angrily denied similar attacks on the African-American and Korean communities claiming "I was misquoted! I was on Ambien and coming back from Cincinnati and ... hold on a second ... I'm a bad cell zone ... Just so you know ... I might be losing you .... so long sucker!!!"
New TV Show for Stavros
CENTURY CABLE ANNOUNCES NEW LATE NIGHT PROGRAM
LOS ANGELES (December 7, 2006) - For Immediate Release
Alicia Stavros, President and CEO of the Stavros Group, will host a new late night show for Hip, Cool People airing weekly on Century Cable Channel 797. "The Stakgold Group" features a roundtable discussion led by Stakgold, named "Coolest Girl" by Faith Popcorn in 1998 at a meeting of interns and assistant shoe designers.
Stakgold will be joined by Jewish Activist Michael Rogers, pet photographer and exotic Dancer Lora Brudniak and Beverly Hills Socialite Kingsbery Kotillion. Stakgold will introduce all topics, ask for very brief comments and will press the taser connected to each seat when the guests speak for more than 10 seconds.
"I wanted to bring the Avatars of Hipness together with Me, the Queen of Cool," said Stakgold at a press conference in front of the Ivy on Robertson. "Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan were busy so I took on these charity cases instead, but with Me in the room, every show is hip, hip, hippy and super-duper cool!"
After being escorted off the Ivy property, Stakgold announced topics for the first show:
- Alissa's shoes - how cool are they?
- Hot Parties - why wasn't Alissa invited?
- The Jews ... enough already!
- Alissa's photos from Europe, so hot!
- Why isn't this latte hot enough? Is this soy foam?
- Enough about your opinion, let's talk about Me!
Stakgold hopes the ratings for this show exceed her other programs such as "Look at My Beamer!", "Celebrity Dressage Challenge" and "Stalking Celebrities in Malibu."
"It's such an honor to be associated with Alissa," said Brudniak between pole dances at Showgirls on Olympic. "She's the Queen of Cool and always in charge of fun! How was that Mistress?"
"You forgot to say how much I changed the world by being a role model of light and forgiveness to millions the world over! Screw up like that again and you'll be selling oranges in August on the I-10 overpass to Riverside!"
LOS ANGELES (December 7, 2006) - For Immediate Release
Alicia Stavros, President and CEO of the Stavros Group, will host a new late night show for Hip, Cool People airing weekly on Century Cable Channel 797. "The Stakgold Group" features a roundtable discussion led by Stakgold, named "Coolest Girl" by Faith Popcorn in 1998 at a meeting of interns and assistant shoe designers.
Stakgold will be joined by Jewish Activist Michael Rogers, pet photographer and exotic Dancer Lora Brudniak and Beverly Hills Socialite Kingsbery Kotillion. Stakgold will introduce all topics, ask for very brief comments and will press the taser connected to each seat when the guests speak for more than 10 seconds.
"I wanted to bring the Avatars of Hipness together with Me, the Queen of Cool," said Stakgold at a press conference in front of the Ivy on Robertson. "Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan were busy so I took on these charity cases instead, but with Me in the room, every show is hip, hip, hippy and super-duper cool!"
After being escorted off the Ivy property, Stakgold announced topics for the first show:
- Alissa's shoes - how cool are they?
- Hot Parties - why wasn't Alissa invited?
- The Jews ... enough already!
- Alissa's photos from Europe, so hot!
- Why isn't this latte hot enough? Is this soy foam?
- Enough about your opinion, let's talk about Me!
Stakgold hopes the ratings for this show exceed her other programs such as "Look at My Beamer!", "Celebrity Dressage Challenge" and "Stalking Celebrities in Malibu."
"It's such an honor to be associated with Alissa," said Brudniak between pole dances at Showgirls on Olympic. "She's the Queen of Cool and always in charge of fun! How was that Mistress?"
"You forgot to say how much I changed the world by being a role model of light and forgiveness to millions the world over! Screw up like that again and you'll be selling oranges in August on the I-10 overpass to Riverside!"
Stavros Year End Sale
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
(Los Angeles) - Sept. 15, 2006 - The savings continue for Alicia Sanchez Stavros, the "Genius of Marketing" and Impressario of Infomercials. We still have a few items left from the Stakgold Summer Sale as we move out inventory for our Winter season. Enjoy the greatness (and humility) starting Saturday at all Taco Chicasitos, Chico's, El Pollo Loco's, Hustler Superstores, Kingsberry's Kotillion Pavilion, the LA Free Clinic and the Encino Jewish Prostate Center.
Act now and enjoy the bargains!
STUPID LOOKS: (SOLD OUT)
DISMISSIVE WAVES: Was $69.99, now $29.99
PHOTOS OF ALISSA WEARING I'M WITH STUPID T-SHIRT: Alone, $99.99; Signed, $159.99, next to you, $299.99
LISTENING TO HER COMPLAIN ABOUT MICHAEL: $39.99 per hour
LISTENING TO HER DRONE ON ABOUT DRESSAGE: $4.99 per hour
ROLLING HER EYES: $39.99 each
ROLLING HER EYES AND PRETENDING SHE'S NOT: Priceless!
PRETENDING SHE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE: $79.99
PRETENDING SHE KNOWS YOUR NAME: $119.99
PATRONIZING STARES: (SOLD OUT)
TALKING TO YOU WHILE EMAILING ON HER BLACKBERRY: $12.99 per minute
CHANGING THE SUBJECT: $20 per incident
COMPLAINING ABOUT HER CLIENTS: $3.99
TELLING YOU YOU "JUST DON'T GET IT': Free with every purchase of $200 or more
So act now and enjoy the savings! And the greatness!
(Los Angeles) - Sept. 15, 2006 - The savings continue for Alicia Sanchez Stavros, the "Genius of Marketing" and Impressario of Infomercials. We still have a few items left from the Stakgold Summer Sale as we move out inventory for our Winter season. Enjoy the greatness (and humility) starting Saturday at all Taco Chicasitos, Chico's, El Pollo Loco's, Hustler Superstores, Kingsberry's Kotillion Pavilion, the LA Free Clinic and the Encino Jewish Prostate Center.
Act now and enjoy the bargains!
STUPID LOOKS: (SOLD OUT)
DISMISSIVE WAVES: Was $69.99, now $29.99
PHOTOS OF ALISSA WEARING I'M WITH STUPID T-SHIRT: Alone, $99.99; Signed, $159.99, next to you, $299.99
LISTENING TO HER COMPLAIN ABOUT MICHAEL: $39.99 per hour
LISTENING TO HER DRONE ON ABOUT DRESSAGE: $4.99 per hour
ROLLING HER EYES: $39.99 each
ROLLING HER EYES AND PRETENDING SHE'S NOT: Priceless!
PRETENDING SHE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE: $79.99
PRETENDING SHE KNOWS YOUR NAME: $119.99
PATRONIZING STARES: (SOLD OUT)
TALKING TO YOU WHILE EMAILING ON HER BLACKBERRY: $12.99 per minute
CHANGING THE SUBJECT: $20 per incident
COMPLAINING ABOUT HER CLIENTS: $3.99
TELLING YOU YOU "JUST DON'T GET IT': Free with every purchase of $200 or more
So act now and enjoy the savings! And the greatness!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
