Fresh Monkey Meat

For Immediate Release

BANGALORE, India - (January 5, 2007) Alicia Stavros, president of Stavros Genius
of Marketing Infomercials and Dating for Interracials, will introduce a new line of
fresh gourmet food in the United States early next year.

"Before I came to India I never knew the true meaning of fresh, organic monkey
meat," Stavros said during bites of a Macaca Sandwich. "Very often in the States,
when one orders a gorilla sandwich or monkey stew, it's made with canned, frozen
or instant monkey meat. The difference between fresh orangutan and the cheap
stuff is like comparing my cashmere lined Gucci running shoes to fake Luis Vuitton
bags you see worn by the ho's and suckas in the Oakland Airport."

Stavros, who used to be a member of PETA, said the taste of fresh monkey and her
love of monkey boots and monkey vests, made with real pelts, changed her life. "I want
all my brothers and sisters tired of hamburgers, chicken sandwiches and those horrible
veggie platters, to really live it up. That's why I'm introducing Stavros's Magnificent
Monkey Meat to all Kroger's, El Gigante Fiesta and Ravi's Tandoori Shack of Hoboken
in 2007. So everyone can experience true flavor and freshness, hominid style."

Stavros chose India for the press conference because of the positive attitudes of the
Indian people and their love for monkey meat. She expects controversy in the States
over her mass-marketed gourmet food, but advises critics to "Hate the Game, Not
the Player. But don't really hate the game, either. Wild game to be exact. It's
monka-licious! But don't use that term, it's trademarked."

Stavros, who has been waited on hand and foot all month in India by servants earning 75
cents a day, said she loves India and would consider moving to the world's second most
populous country except for the "nauseating smell of sewage, mosquitoes bigger than my
hand and the creepiness of old Indian ladies with greasy hair and dark moustaches. "My
god the smell, the smell!" Stavros cried while she briefly took off her air mask to
sneeze. "Oxygen boy, get in here!" Stavros was led away by a rickshaw lined in
satin and monkey pelts.

Happy Hanukkah Jews!

Dear Jewish People:

As you know, I love the Hebrews. Some of my best clients and money-sources
come from the Jewish people. That's why it's a pleasure to say, from Me to you,
Happy Hanukkah! You know, next to Yom Kippur or Holocaust Remembrance Day,
Hanukkah is the happiest time of the year. It's when Me and you can enjoy Matzoh,
halvah bars, delicious Torahs and that yummy meshuggina that we all love so much.
For eight nights let's celebrate the many joys and mitzvahs of our lives, from your
relationship to Me and your G-d, to my many blessings as a Marketing Genius, Role
Model, and all around mensch.

After the Hanukkah season, when you have sent Me many presents, feel free to join
Me in Alissa's 2007 Holiday celebration. We'll be planning a cool party at the W Hotel,
or some other cool place with Me, Hillary Clinton, Gwen Stefani, Lindsay Lohan,
Justin Timberlake and other close personal friends of Me. It'll be an All-Star for
Alissa Party you won't want to miss! Of course many of you will miss it because you're
not cool enough, but don't worry, I'll be happy to send you to a website where you can
view photos of all the fun. ($4.95 per minute, 10 minute minimum.)

So live it up, guzzle that Manischewitz for Me and toast the New Year! (please don't
send Me any of that cheap Jewish wine, I hate it.)

Love and Bar Mitzvah,

Alicia!

Stavros Marries Horse

UNUSUAL WEDDING PROMPTS PROTESTS IN CALIFORNIA TOWN

SHERMAN OAKS - July 13, 2004 - Alicia Stavros a Los Angeles
marketing executive, has thrown the Sherman
Oaks courthouse into a fit with her petition to marry
her horse.  The "Horsey-Stavros" wedding license
application has drawn the attention of legal scholars,
local media and animal rights groups.

"What's the big deal?" Stavros said, "of a marriage
between a consenting adult and her horse? Besides, I
hate all men. They're gross and yucky, you can't
depend on them and I just don't care any more."

Richard Stover, a law professor at UCLA, said he
thought the marriage had little legal merit. "I can't
imagine the California Supreme Court would sanction
this. Still, this woman does have legal rights - to be
treated for mental retardation."

Stavros, who has worn a "wedding ring" with her
horse's image on it for months, said "I love Horsey
and Horsey loves me. Don't you, Horsey? Yes you do.
You love me. Give me a kiss. Yes, that's good."

Michael Rogers, a partner in her firm, said the
controversy has tired him. "Can't we put this all
behind us? I need to get back to the important things
I do each and every day on the job, planning my son's
Bar Mitzvah."

Robin Behar, another partner said, "If this all about
a big schlong she can just marry a Schvartzah. End of
story."

Stavros replied "Shut up. I hate you. No one
understands me. I'm the most original, unique person
on earth. Only Horsey loves me."

Genius of Marketing

GENIUS OF MARKETING
By Alicia Stavros

Many of you admire Me. As well you should. But some
portion of the universe criticizes Me. No, no, my
fans, do not respond "How dare they! Alicia is the
greatest Marketing Genius of All Time!" Remember, they
criticized Einstein and Jesus, too. Not that I'm
comparing Myself to them. They had flaws.

But back to Me. Some critics accused Me of narcissism.
How best to respond? In Q&A Fashion.

WHAT IS NARCISSISM?
A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify
infatuation and obsession with one's self to the
exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless
pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and
ambition.

I am much too humble for that, obviously.


WHEN DOES IT BEGIN?
The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and
early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to
childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents,
authority figures, or even peers.

My childhood was perfect, as am I. Next question.


WHAT TYPE OF NARCISSISTS EXIST?
Narcissists are either "Cerebral" (derive their
narcissistic supply from their intelligence or
academic achievements) - or "Somatic" (derive their
narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise,
physical or sexual prowess and "conquests").

Superior intellect and a great body? Guilty as
charged! But My mind and My body are gifts, available
to all. (Please call for pricing structure.)

I know you are going to thank Me for this letter, and
you are right. You owe me. Your welcome,

Alicia Stavros
Genius of Marketing

Marketing Brochure

STAVROS, STAVROS & ASSOCIATES
The Genius of Marketing

At Stavros, Stavros & Associates, we are your
complete marketing solution. We do more than just
infomercials. To be honest, that's pretty much all we
do, but we like to toss around buzzwords like "Global
Integrated Marketing Solutions," "Strategic Planning"
and "Total Branding."

The Genius of Marketing doesn't refer to our team or
our approach, but to Me. I will assess your situation,
determine your marketing needs by asking you trite
questions about "your goals," then assess how much you
pay Me. Then I'll write you a plan based on how much
money I need. It's that simple.

My assistants, Michael Rogers and Robin Behar, can
also assist you. Michael is Jewish. He's "careful"
with money. He tosses nickels around like manhole
covers. So he won't do anything extravagant with your
account. Of anything creative, either.

Robin can also assist you. If you're not sure about
signing with us, Robin will take you into a nearby
hotel room, massage you, and help you relax. You'll be
so relaxed you won't remember signing a 3-year deal
for 114 infomercials. But you'll be smiling. Trust Me.

So let's get started on Strategic Planning of your
Total Branding. Trust the Genius. Me.

Love and Kisses,
Alicia Stavros (former friend of Faith Popcorn)

Confidential Message

CONFIDENTIAL - FOR ALICIA'S EYES ONLY

Alicia, I received your marketing plan for "Inclover
Marketing" - Infomercials and a Whole Lot More. I
incorporated your comments into the plan:

- "Michael is too Jewish and Robin is too White.
Neither of them are funky enough or project the cool,
hip, young vibe of Myself that we are trying to
project."

- "The name is bland. Stavros & Associates,
Stavros' Associates or Alicia! Marketing Genius
would make a better statement."

"The website needs to be warmer, less high tech and
more personal. I suggest photos of Me on the set of an
infomercial, Me leading a branding/strategy meeting,
Me leading a strategy/branding meeting and Me with
various celebrities. Customers will love it."

"Everyone talks at meetings and they're all stupid!
Why doesn't everyone shut up and let me run things?
Ugh, it's so frustrating. Nobody knows anything but
Me."

Let's work on the first three and I will ignore the
fourth comment as it has nothing to do with marketing.
We will work on the photo shoot next week and send you
ideas on the new logo, website and marketing
materials. We will NOT forward this to Michael and
Robin as they are "so sensitive" as you say, and would
be easily hurt as they think they are "equal partners,
but they're not. I do all the fucking work and they
take all my money. And they talk on the phone all the
time. They are so boring I can't even eavesdrop."

Also, the editorial you wrote, "I am a Genius in
Marketing and Branding" with an 8 x 10" photo of
yourself was rejected by BrandWeek, AdWeek, Ad Age and
Dressage Monthly. Let's work on a new title.

Rob

Happy Holidays

Dearest Friend:


2007 is the year of giving. That is why I refer to 
you as "friend" even though I have much higher social
status than you. Friends of Mine include Kingsbery 
and Carolyn, and you will never replace them for
coolness or cooking skills.

I hope 2006 was a wonderful year for you (please
don't tell Me any of your boring stories) as it
was for Me. I continued to be the Genius of Marketing
for all My clients, proteges, office drones and
assorted hangers-on.

The following may enjoy good wishes for 2006 from Me:
Horsey, Martha Stewart, Kingsbery, Carolyn, Faith
Popcorn, Usher, Ja Rule, Bernie Mac, Bill Curtis
the liquor industry, people who make My Latte
the right way, Blackbery and Shaquille O'Neal.

The following are on my Shit List:

Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Schwarznegger, all Republicans,
Michael Rogers, 50% of the Jews, Robin, Topaz, the
BMW dealership, people who make my 
latte the wrong way
way and others who Piss Me Off.

Now enjoy your holidays as you are truly blessed by Me.
In lieu of your calls, I have set up an Alissa Line
for you to call and leave Me a message. When the 
message beeps please talk as long as you want ...
I turned the recorder off and wouldn't dream of listening
to your dull stories.

With Love,

Alicia