Happy Hanukkah Jews!

Dear Jewish People:

As you know, I love the Hebrews. Some of my best clients and money-sources
come from the Jewish people. That's why it's a pleasure to say, from Me to you,
Happy Hanukkah! You know, next to Yom Kippur or Holocaust Remembrance Day,
Hanukkah is the happiest time of the year. It's when Me and you can enjoy Matzoh,
halvah bars, delicious Torahs and that yummy meshuggina that we all love so much.
For eight nights let's celebrate the many joys and mitzvahs of our lives, from your
relationship to Me and your G-d, to my many blessings as a Marketing Genius, Role
Model, and all around mensch.

After the Hanukkah season, when you have sent Me many presents, feel free to join
Me in Alissa's 2007 Holiday celebration. We'll be planning a cool party at the W Hotel,
or some other cool place with Me, Hillary Clinton, Gwen Stefani, Lindsay Lohan,
Justin Timberlake and other close personal friends of Me. It'll be an All-Star for
Alissa Party you won't want to miss! Of course many of you will miss it because you're
not cool enough, but don't worry, I'll be happy to send you to a website where you can
view photos of all the fun. ($4.95 per minute, 10 minute minimum.)

So live it up, guzzle that Manischewitz for Me and toast the New Year! (please don't
send Me any of that cheap Jewish wine, I hate it.)

Love and Bar Mitzvah,

Alicia!

Stavros Marries Horse

UNUSUAL WEDDING PROMPTS PROTESTS IN CALIFORNIA TOWN

SHERMAN OAKS - July 13, 2004 - Alicia Stavros a Los Angeles
marketing executive, has thrown the Sherman
Oaks courthouse into a fit with her petition to marry
her horse.  The "Horsey-Stavros" wedding license
application has drawn the attention of legal scholars,
local media and animal rights groups.

"What's the big deal?" Stavros said, "of a marriage
between a consenting adult and her horse? Besides, I
hate all men. They're gross and yucky, you can't
depend on them and I just don't care any more."

Richard Stover, a law professor at UCLA, said he
thought the marriage had little legal merit. "I can't
imagine the California Supreme Court would sanction
this. Still, this woman does have legal rights - to be
treated for mental retardation."

Stavros, who has worn a "wedding ring" with her
horse's image on it for months, said "I love Horsey
and Horsey loves me. Don't you, Horsey? Yes you do.
You love me. Give me a kiss. Yes, that's good."

Michael Rogers, a partner in her firm, said the
controversy has tired him. "Can't we put this all
behind us? I need to get back to the important things
I do each and every day on the job, planning my son's
Bar Mitzvah."

Robin Behar, another partner said, "If this all about
a big schlong she can just marry a Schvartzah. End of
story."

Stavros replied "Shut up. I hate you. No one
understands me. I'm the most original, unique person
on earth. Only Horsey loves me."

Genius of Marketing

GENIUS OF MARKETING
By Alicia Stavros

Many of you admire Me. As well you should. But some
portion of the universe criticizes Me. No, no, my
fans, do not respond "How dare they! Alicia is the
greatest Marketing Genius of All Time!" Remember, they
criticized Einstein and Jesus, too. Not that I'm
comparing Myself to them. They had flaws.

But back to Me. Some critics accused Me of narcissism.
How best to respond? In Q&A Fashion.

WHAT IS NARCISSISM?
A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify
infatuation and obsession with one's self to the
exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless
pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and
ambition.

I am much too humble for that, obviously.


WHEN DOES IT BEGIN?
The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and
early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to
childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents,
authority figures, or even peers.

My childhood was perfect, as am I. Next question.


WHAT TYPE OF NARCISSISTS EXIST?
Narcissists are either "Cerebral" (derive their
narcissistic supply from their intelligence or
academic achievements) - or "Somatic" (derive their
narcissistic supply from their physique, exercise,
physical or sexual prowess and "conquests").

Superior intellect and a great body? Guilty as
charged! But My mind and My body are gifts, available
to all. (Please call for pricing structure.)

I know you are going to thank Me for this letter, and
you are right. You owe me. Your welcome,

Alicia Stavros
Genius of Marketing

Marketing Brochure

STAVROS, STAVROS & ASSOCIATES
The Genius of Marketing

At Stavros, Stavros & Associates, we are your
complete marketing solution. We do more than just
infomercials. To be honest, that's pretty much all we
do, but we like to toss around buzzwords like "Global
Integrated Marketing Solutions," "Strategic Planning"
and "Total Branding."

The Genius of Marketing doesn't refer to our team or
our approach, but to Me. I will assess your situation,
determine your marketing needs by asking you trite
questions about "your goals," then assess how much you
pay Me. Then I'll write you a plan based on how much
money I need. It's that simple.

My assistants, Michael Rogers and Robin Behar, can
also assist you. Michael is Jewish. He's "careful"
with money. He tosses nickels around like manhole
covers. So he won't do anything extravagant with your
account. Of anything creative, either.

Robin can also assist you. If you're not sure about
signing with us, Robin will take you into a nearby
hotel room, massage you, and help you relax. You'll be
so relaxed you won't remember signing a 3-year deal
for 114 infomercials. But you'll be smiling. Trust Me.

So let's get started on Strategic Planning of your
Total Branding. Trust the Genius. Me.

Love and Kisses,
Alicia Stavros (former friend of Faith Popcorn)

Confidential Message

CONFIDENTIAL - FOR ALICIA'S EYES ONLY

Alicia, I received your marketing plan for "Inclover
Marketing" - Infomercials and a Whole Lot More. I
incorporated your comments into the plan:

- "Michael is too Jewish and Robin is too White.
Neither of them are funky enough or project the cool,
hip, young vibe of Myself that we are trying to
project."

- "The name is bland. Stavros & Associates,
Stavros' Associates or Alicia! Marketing Genius
would make a better statement."

"The website needs to be warmer, less high tech and
more personal. I suggest photos of Me on the set of an
infomercial, Me leading a branding/strategy meeting,
Me leading a strategy/branding meeting and Me with
various celebrities. Customers will love it."

"Everyone talks at meetings and they're all stupid!
Why doesn't everyone shut up and let me run things?
Ugh, it's so frustrating. Nobody knows anything but
Me."

Let's work on the first three and I will ignore the
fourth comment as it has nothing to do with marketing.
We will work on the photo shoot next week and send you
ideas on the new logo, website and marketing
materials. We will NOT forward this to Michael and
Robin as they are "so sensitive" as you say, and would
be easily hurt as they think they are "equal partners,
but they're not. I do all the fucking work and they
take all my money. And they talk on the phone all the
time. They are so boring I can't even eavesdrop."

Also, the editorial you wrote, "I am a Genius in
Marketing and Branding" with an 8 x 10" photo of
yourself was rejected by BrandWeek, AdWeek, Ad Age and
Dressage Monthly. Let's work on a new title.

Rob

Happy Holidays

Dearest Friend:


2007 is the year of giving. That is why I refer to 
you as "friend" even though I have much higher social
status than you. Friends of Mine include Kingsbery 
and Carolyn, and you will never replace them for
coolness or cooking skills.

I hope 2006 was a wonderful year for you (please
don't tell Me any of your boring stories) as it
was for Me. I continued to be the Genius of Marketing
for all My clients, proteges, office drones and
assorted hangers-on.

The following may enjoy good wishes for 2006 from Me:
Horsey, Martha Stewart, Kingsbery, Carolyn, Faith
Popcorn, Usher, Ja Rule, Bernie Mac, Bill Curtis
the liquor industry, people who make My Latte
the right way, Blackbery and Shaquille O'Neal.

The following are on my Shit List:

Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Schwarznegger, all Republicans,
Michael Rogers, 50% of the Jews, Robin, Topaz, the
BMW dealership, people who make my 
latte the wrong way
way and others who Piss Me Off.

Now enjoy your holidays as you are truly blessed by Me.
In lieu of your calls, I have set up an Alissa Line
for you to call and leave Me a message. When the 
message beeps please talk as long as you want ...
I turned the recorder off and wouldn't dream of listening
to your dull stories.

With Love,

Alicia

Topaz Custom Limousine

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

LOS ANGELES, CA - Stakgold & Associates, a leading
purveyor of infomercials and "consolidated marketing
products" will begin to offer a new service starting
in November - Topaz Custom Limousine.

Topaz Custom Limousine (TM) will specialize in
personal transportation to and from the Los Angeles
Airport. "Topaz Custom Limousine offers a unique and
specialized service unmatched by anyone in the
industry," said Stakgold & Associates President,
General Manager and Marketing Genius Alissa Stakgold.

"Anyone can drive in a Lincoln Town Car or Cadillac
Limousine. Only the descriminating passenger chooses
the individuality of the 1986 Mercury Topaz."

Potential customers include celebrities travelling
under cover, heroin addicts and tourists from
Bangladesh and Indonesia because "they don't know any
better."

Stakgold & Associates have previously introduced many
new business ventures including Rogers Custom Jewish
Marketing (TM), Alissa Special Services (ASS) and
Malibu Lady Publishing (FUCKYOU).

Where's My Pants?

For Immediate Release

(LOS ANGELES) - Alissa Stakgold, president and CEO of the Stakgold Group, formerly Stakgold & Associates, has announced production of the new theatrical presentation.

"Where's My Pants?" opening in April at the L'Chaim Theatre at the B'Nai Brith center of Sherman Oaks, stars Stakgold herself as Tushy LaFinklestein. Stakgold plays a sensual yiddish 29-year-old who gets mixed up with a rabbi, a gang banger, two transvestites and a traveling salami salesman.

"I've had this farshtaist cockamamie idea for years," said Stakgold, who will produce through her Stakgold Entertainment Group. "I'm no Chaim Yakel but I've been dealing with enough nebbishes to know a schmendrick who gives me narishkeit."

Stakgold will also direct and life size posters of her will be distributed through synagogues, yamukkah shops and kosher delis throughout the greater Encino-Sherman Oaks area.

Noted Jew Michael Rogers said he was excited about this once in a lifetime opportunity. "Huh? Oh yeah, sure I'll go. I guess. I probably have to or Alissa will kill me."

"This should be the most wonderful Jewish production of all time, better than Fiddler on the Roof" said Beverly Hills socialite Kingsberry Kotillion. "How was that, Mistress?"

"You should have told everyone I'm a giant radiating beacon of talent and love, god-dammit!" Stakgold said. "Don't make me farbissiner you schlemiel."

Financial Statement for Stavros

(LOS ANGELES) - BusinessWire - May 9, 2006 .

Stavros & Associates, a Los Angeles-based marketing, infomercials and massage rubdown firm, announced their financial statements to local investors today. While the business performed well in traditional markets such as pricey "marketing consulting services" (giving advice to corporate clients via enormous power point slides that are subsequently ridiculed and ignored) and "producer's fees" for infomercials that could be produced by anyone who has ever watched late night TV, other ventures caused the firm to report a loss in fiscal 2005.

"While most of My marketing genius activities turned a handsome profit for Me and My investors," CEO Alissa Stakgold reported, "other riskier adventures not totally approved by Me caused the firm to lose money. However, after deducting costs for My condo and My BMW, I am happy to report that I personally did not lose a single dime."

The Stavros Group's performance-losers included:
- Michael Rogers Musk for Jewish Men. "Just slap it on your bald head or your hairy back and the Hassidic Bee-atches will go insane!"
- Kingsbery Kotillion's Silk Lunch Napkins. "Just whip these suckers out at any fancy lunch and everyone will die with envy."
- Alissa's Spicy Salsa. "Pour some ASS on your lunch ... or dinner ... It's better than delicious!"
- "Negro Please!" condoms. For small endowed men who want to feel larger.
- Dressage for Everyone, a $400 coffee table book of Alissa, Alissa's horse, a 10,000 word description of dressage through the ages, a video of Alissa performing dressage in Ventura, and several audio tapes of Alissa explaining in minute detail what the hell she's doing with dressage every weekend of her life

When asked by angry investors when they would get their money back, Stakgold replied, "I'd love to answer you ... but there's bad cell phone reception here ... I'm about to lose you ... Hello? Are you still there?" Then Stakgold ran out of the building, jumped into her BMW and went to a dressage lesson.

Sensitivity Training

SENSITIVITY TRAINING ORDERED FOR STAKGOLD

LOS ANGELES - NOVEMBER 1, 2006. Alissa Stakgold, president, CEO and head massage therapist for the Stakgold Group for Infomercials and Adult Video Marketing, has agreed to undergo sensitivity training for her frequent violent outbursts.

"As part of my court ordered therapy I am happy to work on these issues," Stakgold read flatly from a prepared release. "My yelling episodes directed toward Michael Rogers the hairy Jew, Robin my lazy office worker, my BMW dealership, everyone at Starbuck's and Coffee Bean which I visit 4 times a day, people who talk too loud on their cell phones in public preventing me from talking loudly on my cell phone in public, and all Conservative Republican Evangelicals, were unfortunate. I apologize. Sort of. But not really."

Stakgold's first meeting will be sponsored by the B'Nai Brith Youth Center, the Jewish Defense League and the Shecky Greene Fan Club. "These hamyuckels are hocking me to chinick and giving me shpillkiss," Stakgold said. "Oy, why do I have to schlep all over this furshlugginer town for this dreck?"

Stakgold angrily denied similar attacks on the African-American and Korean communities claiming "I was misquoted! I was on Ambien and coming back from Cincinnati and ... hold on a second ... I'm a bad cell zone ... Just so you know ... I might be losing you .... so long sucker!!!"

New TV Show for Stavros

CENTURY CABLE ANNOUNCES NEW LATE NIGHT PROGRAM

LOS ANGELES (December 7, 2006) - For Immediate Release

Alicia Stavros, President and CEO of the Stavros Group, will host a new late night show for Hip, Cool People airing weekly on Century Cable Channel 797. "The Stakgold Group" features a roundtable discussion led by Stakgold, named "Coolest Girl" by Faith Popcorn in 1998 at a meeting of interns and assistant shoe designers.

Stakgold will be joined by Jewish Activist Michael Rogers, pet photographer and exotic Dancer Lora Brudniak and Beverly Hills Socialite Kingsbery Kotillion. Stakgold will introduce all topics, ask for very brief comments and will press the taser connected to each seat when the guests speak for more than 10 seconds.

"I wanted to bring the Avatars of Hipness together with Me, the Queen of Cool," said Stakgold at a press conference in front of the Ivy on Robertson. "Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan were busy so I took on these charity cases instead, but with Me in the room, every show is hip, hip, hippy and super-duper cool!"

After being escorted off the Ivy property, Stakgold announced topics for the first show:
- Alissa's shoes - how cool are they?
- Hot Parties - why wasn't Alissa invited?
- The Jews ... enough already!
- Alissa's photos from Europe, so hot!
- Why isn't this latte hot enough? Is this soy foam?
- Enough about your opinion, let's talk about Me!

Stakgold hopes the ratings for this show exceed her other programs such as "Look at My Beamer!", "Celebrity Dressage Challenge" and "Stalking Celebrities in Malibu."

"It's such an honor to be associated with Alissa," said Brudniak between pole dances at Showgirls on Olympic. "She's the Queen of Cool and always in charge of fun! How was that Mistress?"

"You forgot to say how much I changed the world by being a role model of light and forgiveness to millions the world over! Screw up like that again and you'll be selling oranges in August on the I-10 overpass to Riverside!"

Stavros Year End Sale

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

(Los Angeles) - Sept. 15, 2006 - The savings continue for Alicia Sanchez Stavros, the "Genius of Marketing" and Impressario of Infomercials. We still have a few items left from the Stakgold Summer Sale as we move out inventory for our Winter season. Enjoy the greatness (and humility) starting Saturday at all Taco Chicasitos, Chico's, El Pollo Loco's, Hustler Superstores, Kingsberry's Kotillion Pavilion, the LA Free Clinic and the Encino Jewish Prostate Center.

Act now and enjoy the bargains!

STUPID LOOKS: (SOLD OUT)
DISMISSIVE WAVES: Was $69.99, now $29.99
PHOTOS OF ALISSA WEARING I'M WITH STUPID T-SHIRT: Alone, $99.99; Signed, $159.99, next to you, $299.99
LISTENING TO HER COMPLAIN ABOUT MICHAEL: $39.99 per hour
LISTENING TO HER DRONE ON ABOUT DRESSAGE: $4.99 per hour
ROLLING HER EYES: $39.99 each
ROLLING HER EYES AND PRETENDING SHE'S NOT: Priceless!
PRETENDING SHE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE: $79.99
PRETENDING SHE KNOWS YOUR NAME: $119.99
PATRONIZING STARES: (SOLD OUT)
TALKING TO YOU WHILE EMAILING ON HER BLACKBERRY: $12.99 per minute
CHANGING THE SUBJECT: $20 per incident
COMPLAINING ABOUT HER CLIENTS: $3.99
TELLING YOU YOU "JUST DON'T GET IT': Free with every purchase of $200 or more

So act now and enjoy the savings! And the greatness!