(LOS ANGELES) - BusinessWire - May 9, 2006 .
Stavros & Associates, a Los Angeles-based marketing, infomercials and massage rubdown firm, announced their financial statements to local investors today. While the business performed well in traditional markets such as pricey "marketing consulting services" (giving advice to corporate clients via enormous power point slides that are subsequently ridiculed and ignored) and "producer's fees" for infomercials that could be produced by anyone who has ever watched late night TV, other ventures caused the firm to report a loss in fiscal 2005.
"While most of My marketing genius activities turned a handsome profit for Me and My investors," CEO Alissa Stakgold reported, "other riskier adventures not totally approved by Me caused the firm to lose money. However, after deducting costs for My condo and My BMW, I am happy to report that I personally did not lose a single dime."
The Stavros Group's performance-losers included:
- Michael Rogers Musk for Jewish Men. "Just slap it on your bald head or your hairy back and the Hassidic Bee-atches will go insane!"
- Kingsbery Kotillion's Silk Lunch Napkins. "Just whip these suckers out at any fancy lunch and everyone will die with envy."
- Alissa's Spicy Salsa. "Pour some ASS on your lunch ... or dinner ... It's better than delicious!"
- "Negro Please!" condoms. For small endowed men who want to feel larger.
- Dressage for Everyone, a $400 coffee table book of Alissa, Alissa's horse, a 10,000 word description of dressage through the ages, a video of Alissa performing dressage in Ventura, and several audio tapes of Alissa explaining in minute detail what the hell she's doing with dressage every weekend of her life
When asked by angry investors when they would get their money back, Stakgold replied, "I'd love to answer you ... but there's bad cell phone reception here ... I'm about to lose you ... Hello? Are you still there?" Then Stakgold ran out of the building, jumped into her BMW and went to a dressage lesson.
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